The NTA's. (Anyone else surprised Cowell's mug didn't appear more often?)

The National Television Awards annually document the many outstanding contributions to British television. It is a time when each of the mainstream channels are able to come together and freely discuss programmes across the board without the concern for publicising the competition. I, for one, find it terribly odd seeing Tess Daly, Len Goodman etc in the same room as Simon Cowell and his minions. It is almost like eating apple crumble with a splash of gravy; the two should never be put together. However, over all, it was a night for much celebration and camaraderie (except of course for those poor souls who lost out).

A special mention is deserved here; guess who was hosting? Only Dermot O’-flipping-Leary. Of course he was. With the phenomenon that was The X Factor being made somewhat less enjoyable by Mr O’Leary, why ever would they not invite him to do the same to this TWO AND A HALF HOUR LONG programme. F.Y.I that is a longer amount of time watching Dermot’s, I’m-talking-but-I’m-not-really-saying-anything-of-interest-to-anyone, fillers than ever on The X Factor.

My personal highlight of the entire two and a half hours was Jedward’s outrageously brilliant performance of THEIR NEW SINGLE ‘Ice, Ice, Baby’. I was so proud it brought tears to my eyes. However, the third Jedward member that came on stage half way through and had the audacity not to conform to the Jedward image ruined it slightly for me. It appeared as if ‘The Legend that is John and Edward’ were mere backing dancers. He must be shot.

I am sure if you wanted to know the winners of all the categories you would either have watched it or Googled it by now. So I will not bore you with the details.

In summary: Corrie won the battle of the soaps, Ant and Dec were as popular as ever winning another couple to add to their collection, The X Factor won best talent show and Simon made a cheeky joke about Arlene leaving Strictly and them LOSING, there was a mammoth tribute to Stephen Fry and I found myself wondering if he had recently died (however, all credit to him, and I love his voice), Simon Cowell’s dentist also got a special mention.

I cannot remember any other awards. But that only means they hold no real relevance or importance. So do not worry.

Oh and Piers Morgan shot himself.

Celebrity Big Brother is Back. Aren't we all excited?

Davina is dressed in black, its raining, there are banners screaming the words 'GET [add most hated celebrity's name here] OUT!], and a handful of anxious, slightly nauseous celebrities are waiting in some unknown location for the imminent boos that await them. I think we all know what this means. Celebrity Big Brother is back. And it's taking its final curtain call.

It doesn't matter what your opinion on Big Brother is (but I'm sure if you are tutting right now it is the wrong one), it has given British Television some classic, funny moments that will go down in the TV record books. Those pompous arrogant tits who feel it necessary to constantly slate the entertainment programmes that millions of us enjoy and are doing not a shred of harm need to go back to BBC 1 where they belong. Nobody is forcing them to watch Big Brother, or Dancing on Ice, or the X Factor. They are very welcome and completely within their rights to sit in their bright, airy, middle-class living rooms whilst watching a period drama with a glass of red wine and a nibble of stilton. But let the rest of us slum it with Davina and watch not so 'famous faces' shouting at one another and getting drunk on a bottle of cider before snogging the nearest human being (male or female) in a game of  'spin-the-bottle'. Because lets face it, its piss-your-pants funny.
However, the arrogant berks have got their way and this year we will be waving goodbye to that much loved programme. But, I must hasten to add, it will be going out with a bang.

Settling down in my living room for what can only be described as an evening of: 'He's an actor right? Whats he in? The Cilit Bang ad? Yeah, thats it. I like him, I like his face.'
All the Celebs are in, and I am sufficiently under-whelmed. However, this is not a rare occurance, it happens every year. By the end of the lauch show I am sobbing, 'I miss Michelle Heaton', but by the end of the Final its more a case of 'OH MY LIFE, THEY WILL NEVER TOP THAT'. How fickle I am.

In any case its going to be a good series. Especially with Big Brother PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS. Stay tuned for more opinions.

BEST ON THE BOX

The telly of 2009 has been top notch. Here are a few of my personal highlights.

Dancing on Ice-
Ray Quinn was ON FIRE. Ridiculously good and also rather hot in his own hobbit-like-slicked-hair-looks-about-10 way. I fancy him. But then I fancy a fair few unlikely people.




Celebrity Big Brother-
This was, I thought, a brilliant series. Verne Troyer drunk and crashing into the Diary Room door was TV gold. I was not, however, a fan of Tina Malone and her toenail eating ways. But when Michelle Heaton compared her to the female ogre on Shrek, it was so funny, I almost got a hernia.
The clip below should not be watched by those with an aversion to midgets licking babies.



The Inbetweener's-
BRILLIANT. If slightly repulsive. (I say 'slightly'- thats a lie)



Big Chef takes on Little Chef-
Heston Blumenthal, the Chef that can only be described as 'he's-not-a-bloody-chef-who-wants-to-eat-bacon-and-egg-ice-cream?', took on the challenge of re-vamping that much loved (ahem, not by me) chain, Little Chef. The owner of Little Chef literally had me shouting abuse at the television set and making plans to break into his office in the dead of night, steal his expenses figures and sell them to the Daily Mail.


Friday Night With Jonathon Ross-
I am not the biggest fan of Jonathon Ross and his 'good-humoured' arrogance and floppy hair, but I cannot deny that he gets some bloody good guests on his show.



24-
Jack Bauer is my one and only 'old man' crush. His manly exclamations of 'dammit!', 'son of a bitch', and 'copy that', literally glue me to the seat (there's not really any need for the action packed, blood drenched, 'real time' rest of the programme). And with the return of Tony, Chloe and Bill in the seventh season, I could hardly contain my joy when they all started WORKING AS A TEAM!




Never Mind the Buzzcocks-
I am a devoted fan of NMTB and when I heard that Simon with-his-witty-oneliners-and-his-big-bushy-hair Amstell would not be returning for the new series I was devastated. HOWEVER, those clever producers have managed to remedy the situation in the best possible way they could; Noel Fielding. Remember I was talking about my unlikely crushes? Noel Fielding is another, extremely strong, undying one.



I'm a Celebrity, Get me out of Here-
This much anticipated series was slightly anticlimatical. Much anticipated due to the return of a certain busty lady. Katie Price. Or 'Pricey's back', as she would like to be known.
However when she walked out of the Jungle due to the persistent Bush Tucker Trials the British public (you guys!) were inflicting upon her, the series took something of a nose dive.




The X Factor-
What can I say? 2009 has been Simon Cowell's year. And boy have I loved it.
The X Factor has raked in millions of viewers and won the rating's battle outright. This year the press has been all over it, with Dannii outing Danyl on live television, Olly and Stacey's romance rumours, and Danyl's alledged bullying. But nothing could top the real winner of the show. The one act who will be able to grab fame and fortune with both hands and grip the nation for years to come. You know who I'm talking about. JED-FLIPPIN'-WARD.




Happy 2010 everybody. Lets hope for another year of TV classics.